magic

I can’t seem to shake the guilt I feel about the day my buddy was born.  It should have been a day of joy and unbridled happiness.  How could I have looked at him and felt such sadness and loss?  I’m not sure I can ever make that up to him.  I find myself giving him extra snuggle time and his cheeks are raw from all the kissing.   I need for him to know that I am overjoyed he joined our family.


I hate that I think of his birth and remember all the pain.  I wish someone could have made me see that it’s not a big deal.  Life hands out WAY bigger deals that Down syndrome.  With that extra chromosome, comes so much.  He will meet a kid for the first time and kiss them.  So maybe most kids don’t appreciate the open mouth slobberyness of it all, but it’s the thought that counts.


My buddy is one of the cutest kids I’ve ever seen, but for some reason I can’t capture it on film.  Every picture of him is lacking.  I read recently a mom referring to the extra chromosome as pure magic…  I agree.  There is a sparkle when you are around him that just doesn’t translate into pictures.


In the past, I’ve searched for something that made me unique.  I think being my buddy’s mom is exactly what I was searching for.   I can’t wait to watch him grow and see all that he can be.

shouting

My buddy is driving me up a wall.  Whenever he wants something, he screams at me.  He stands at the gate in the kitchen shouting, he hollers whenever a toy isn’t turned on, he bellows when food isn’t shoveled into his mouth fast enough.  I am so tired of being shouted at.  He has plenty of signs that he knows and uses, but to get my attention or, god forbid, I don’t move fast enough, out comes the screaming.

I am working on different ways to change this behavior, but so far no luck.  I’ll give him this much, the howling is effective.  It gets my attention every time.  I can only ignore it for so long before it pushes me over the edge.  I can be heard mumbling … “someday he will talk, someday he will talk”.

I love that my buddy knows what he wants and is trying to communicate his needs.  I really do appreciate each and every milestone - like when he wanted me to hold him instead of Papa.  I am confident that someday he will say “Mama” and I will tire of hearing that as well.  Hopefully, I’ll look back to these days and relish in hearing my name over and over again.

frustration

Drinking out of a straw.  The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.  I guess that makes me the camel.  There is no good way to teach someone how to use a straw when they really don’t want to learn how.  As soon as my buddy sees that straw coming, he throws his head back and yells at me.  He has no words, but sure does get the point across.

The fact that he can only drink out of a bottle doesn’t bother me too much.  I am more concerned about the future.  I want him to be able to speak as clearly as possible in order to make his adulthood easier.  There is a school of thought where the stronger his lip/tongue muscles are, the better his speech will be.  Sucking on a bottle does nothing to help the situation.

I am a patient person.  But I feel like we are getting nowhere.  There are no mini victories along the way.  Just frustration.

first steps

My buddy took his first step!!!!!!  Granted, it was entirely accidental and he hasn’t done it since, but I saw it with my own eyes.  Of course, he was walking to me.  The only other person around was monkey bear.  She worked up a bit of enthusiasm, but not the response I was looking for.

My buddy has been standing unassisted over and over again.  He will stand up, hold it for a few seconds, plop down, and look around for applause.  Monkey bear is a pro at this.  She calls me out from the kitchen every time he stands up.  I can sit and just watch him.  I never thought that at 15 months he would be standing on his own - with walking only a step away.

It’s funny.  I hoped for walking by 2 years old.  I am fully confident that milestone will be reached before my secret goal.  I never had a thought about being able to drink from cups.  And here we are … only able to use a bottle and only if leaning back.   As they say, the highs are higher but the lows are lower.  The therapeutic straw cup just came in the mail today, so off we go to reach another goal - even if we didn’t know it was there.

But man, how that boy loves to move.  He can commando crawl faster than I can walk.  He has mastered crawling up the stairs.  He can pop up into sitting in the blink of an eye.  He’s up on his feet pulling things off a table top before you even notice.  Perhaps we have an athlete on our hands.

go forth and multiply?

Lately the question has been on my mind - is our family complete?  I feel quite happy with two children.  I think the number is easy to handle and it’s what I always imagined my family to be.  I don’t want to go through pregnancy or the newborn stage again.  Personally, I am complete.

But does that mean that my family is as well?

I know my buddy will learn more from siblings than any other source.  Does he need more?

I think about monkey bear years from now with the task of caring for aging parents and keeping an eye on my buddy.  Is it fair to have that burden be solely on her?

I want grandchildren.  OK, so it’s a little premature for those thoughts, but all my eggs are in one basket (so to speak).

And lets face the facts.  As my mother-in-law liked to say before I had kids, “You’re not getting any younger.”

How do people make that kind of a decision?  I can barely decide what book to choose for the book club.  Is it worth messing with my sanity now just to possibly improve the long term future?  And there is no guarantee that any child will grow up to be responsible and helpful.

Perhaps I’ll start believing in a higher being and leave the decision to them.

new dreams

I had to fill out a form the other day and say what my biggest disappointment in life is.  I am happy to report that Down syndrome was nowhere on that paper.  My buddy gets more fun every day and I am relaxing a little on spending so much time doing his therapies.

In fact, I have a new dream for him.  I know planning your child’s adult life is a waste of time and you will always be disappointed, but I just can’t help myself.  I have a dream for monkey bear as well, but don’t tell her father.  She will have many children and be a wonderful stay-at-home-mom.  If her current obsession with babies continues, my dream may come true!

Now, for my buddy.  He will have his own apartment, but it will be an in-law apartment so he will always be close to me.  He will love to watch ABC Family movies and every time a good one comes on, we’ll make a delicious snack and watch together.  I don’t dream big.  I just dream about what will bring me the most joy.

standing

It’s crazy the joy I get out of watching my buddy stand up.  He has mastered pulling himself to stand on various objects.  He will even put a toy on the couch, pull himself up, and play while standing.  He has to be leaning on something, but he is quite secure.  He even will take a few steps to the side if something is worthwhile- ie the remote control or Mommy’s magazine.

It is just the cutest thing you ever saw.  He smiles and babbles away just so very proud of what he can do.  I know he worked so hard to get there and because he’s exercising himself (giving Mommy a break) I don’t care what he does while standing.  He’s been known to pull all the CD’s out of the CD player, hammer the TV, push every button on the cable box, and lean so far over the edge of the tub that he fell in.

But the funniest thing I ever saw while standing was just before tubby time.  Monkey bear was already in the tub and my buddy was standing leaning against the outside of the tub “talking” to his sister.  I got him undressed (while standing) and then pulled his diaper off.  He pushed his body away from the tub, supporting himself with his hands, looked down, and peed right on the side of the tub. For some reason, the sight of that chubby guy doing something a grown man would do just cracked me up.