joy

Turning 40 brought me a surprising dose of clarity and confidence. I lived a good part of my life feeling insecure, not wanting to stand out and being worried what others thought of me. I wore the clothes I thought I should and kept opinions to myself. I was making choices based on what I thought I should choose and had no idea I was doing it.

Then I heard this organizational guru talk about how you should surround yourself with things that bring you joy. For example, you pile all of your clothes on the floor then one by one, you touch each piece and ask yourself if it brings you joy. Plain and simple, if it brings you joy then keep it.

I realized that none of my shirts brought me joy. I wore them but hated the way they felt on my body. So I bought the shirts I really wanted - ones that felt good to put on and left me feeling confident. I feel like this little change has seeped into all parts of my life.

I'm a big fan of a daily phone conversation with my BFF just complaining and getting it all out. But I think there is a fine line of getting it out and laughing over it (because laughing brings joy) versus focusing on the suckiness and giving it power. The times in my life where I threw pity parties for myself were times I wasn't happy.

Photography has brought me such incredible joy. In the past I tried sketching, crafting and painting. I could do them all, but they left me stressed and produced no joy. For years I had no creative outlet. Finding one little thing that I can do just for me has made such a powerful impact. I don't have the luxury of a lot of time without little ones to look after, so finding something that includes them has been perfect.

Plus being able to look back at their little faces - joy to the thousandth degree.

Of course I believe in moderation and sometimes life just sucks. There are times when you just need to hide and wait for it to pass. I believe that if you focus on the joy in your life and actively search out things that make you happy, it can only help.

Here are a few moments that bring joy to me. May you find something today that brings you joy.

school

A new school year has started. Just like with everything else in life, I totally misjudged how the change would affect each child.

My buddy worked so hard all summer - between home school and summer school that he has had his best transition yet. Sure, there's been some testing of new people in his life. I had to send in the book I made so the teacher could read it to his classmates. It talks about my buddy and Down syndrome and why he is the way he is. I guess he knocked down some block towers that the kids were building and they were understandably upset.





Big sis, however, spent many nights in tears. Her teacher last year had a personality that really meshed with big sis plus her two BFFs were in that class. This year is really different. Big sis is slow to warm up and has been keeping it together at school then completely losing it at home. It's been really hard on all of us. Hard enough that I took a book out of the library about highly sensitive children.

I volunteered to be room mom (which big sis loves) and now I'm the official class photographer (which I love). My first official business was a head shot of all the kids. They all look a little like this:





I know that big sis will adjust soon enough, it's just so hard to see your kids upset.

Rara, on the other hand, LOVES school and wishes she could go more than twice a week. She is equally happy at home with just me and some peace and quiet. The fighting this summer was so out of control, I think everyone is happy to have a little space. Watching rara so excited when she gets to be a big kid then just running into school is the best. (And yay for a teenie bit of me time)

the other day

The other day I shouted and every little thing made me mad. The other day I made excuses for why I was being so mean. The other day I went to bed hating how I behaved. I worried all night that you would remember the worst part of me and forget the best part of me.

Today I want to talk to you about being human and feeling all these feelings. How some days it's hard not to act like a jerk. How you can see yourself acting like a jerk and not be able to stop. I want to talk about emotions and how difficult they can be to control.

But I don't have the answers. In fact, I may change my mind tomorrow. Being a human is complicated. Trying to figure out how to be your best while raising little humans to be their best is extra challenging. 

Today I will work on my nice skills. Talking to you the way I wish you would talk to me. Listening a little closer. Finding things to make me smile. Doing my best to erase the other day. Because part of being human is to forgive. While I'm sure you've already forgiven me, I still need to forgive myself.

None of us are perfect and some days we're not even on the same page. But we are in this crazy life together.

hello again

I unintentionally stopped writing this summer. It was a bit of a challenging summer with an insane amount of fighting between all the kids. I home schooled my buddy almost every day. We made attempt number two at potty training and are back in pull-ups - so that's how that went. There was a week of summer camp and then summer school. Every day seemed so long, but it all went by relatively quickly.

Here are a few of the highlights of summer and hopefully I will be back to writing soon.


tushies in bathing suits




sun dresses (and the Special Olympics medal she wears all the time)



rock throwing



inflatable pool in the backyard



mismatched outfits and favorite dolls



adventures with the whole family




convincing the hubby to take some pictures together (even if I don't love any of them)

no glasses!!!!! (the highlight of the summer for sure)



rare photo of her smiling (and not scowling at me)

summer not-so-fun

Sometimes I feel like having a kid with special needs robs you of super summer fun. If I had my choice, we'd be lounging in our PJ's until we felt like getting dressed. Pulling every toy we own into the middle of the living room. Spending the morning at a park or finding some water to splash in. Planning a big weekly adventure like the beach or the zoo. Hanging about and exploring new outdoor places. Finding the perfect spot to throw rocks into the water and visiting often.




Instead I find myself driving back and forth to camp - to work on social skills and following directions. Teaching my buddy home school to keep him in the groove. Making him practice writing and reading. Using the same pecs cards they use in school and reinforcing the 'first then' board. Getting moving four days a week so he can be to summer school on time.



All these things that I have to do just so my buddy won't regress and have such a hard time transitioning back to school in August. And yet it never seems like enough. There are too many things that he needs to improve. So many more ways I could push him. There is a fine line of encouraging him to be his very best... and just letting him be. I'm more of a let it be girl.



So I will take those 4 half days and 3 full days and cram as much summer fun in as possible. Stay in our jammies on some days and have grand adventures on others. Rest assured there will be plenty of bubbles to pop in your sister's face, chalk to cover the ground and searches for the perfect place to play in the water.




More good news... she finally conquered her fear of the sprinkler. As long as this is as high as it goes.

three

My little rara has turned three. She's taken the leap from toddlerhood into a preschooler. I didn't know what our family was missing until she joined us. Rara is half sweet and half feisty. She NEVER backs down and stands up for herself with ease and confidence. My buddy has been known to lose his mind now and again. Most people back off when that happens. Not rara. She gets right in his face and screams at him, "No! Bad! Boy!"

Rara has a thing for arms. She holds on and rubs your arms like she is a kitten. She loves to nestle her hand in your elbow pit. (Is that even a body part or did I just make that up?) She loves to be close but lacks the ability to sit still. Most of the time it makes me a little bonkers, but I know some day I will miss how she would beg to sit in your lap then just wriggle and squirm until you can't stand it another second.




More than anything, rara loves all dogs. Really anything that has to do with dogs. Or the color red. We must pet every dog we come across. She carries her black stuffed dog all over the place. She gets so excited when anything at all has a dog on it - greeting cards, shirts, even a bag of dog food.





I didn't know that a three year old could have such a strong opinion about things. I also forgot that you could have the most entertaining conversations with a three year old. Rara really is fun to be around. I love the quiet days we have together and how she will chat on and on about anything.




If I had to choose a career based on rara now, I'd go with either veterinarian or daredevil. I hope her spunk never disappears and that it's always covered in a sprinkle of sweetness.

feeling off

Lately big sis has been feeling off. Reacting to little things in a big way. Lots of tears. We've all had a cold, but even though she is feeling better, this mood seems to have clung to her tightly. Big sis feels things deeply. I don't think she cares for change. It takes her so long to feel comfortable and the end of the school year means she will be leaving the classroom that has been her home away from home. Big sis loves her teacher and her confidence has bloomed. She's not able to articulate all these deep emotions, so it comes out in all the little things.




Today I let her have a mental health day. We went to the park, ran an errand and played in the backyard. We colored and played babies. We snuggled on the couch. I know that I cannot change how she is wired but I really hope that I can show her how to take care of herself when she is starting to feel down.





Meanwhile, my buddy has been blowing me out of the water. I always knew he would read. I never expected him to know all of the kindergarten sight words while he was in kindergarten. I always knew he would do math. I never expected him to meet the kindergarten goal of counting to 100 while in kindergarten. I say all the time that my buddy can do anything he wants to... he just usually doesn't want to.





Then there's this little rara. She is just a couple of handful of days away from turning 3. She has mastered potty training. She is hysterical. She is trouble. She doesn't believe in napping but often wakes before the crack of dawn and just can't keep herself awake all day.




Rara loves dogs more than just about anything. Even when they steal the trampoline.




If the dog would stay still, rara would spend all day here. It's her favorite warm cozy place to be.




She refuses to let me pull her hair out of her face. I feel like the world must look like this to her:


On a side note: The adults have gotten the killer cold from the kids. Michael is on the upswing but just the other day while he was travelling, he sneezed while tying his shoe and threw his back out. I *may* have called him old and laughed a bit at his expense. But have no fear. Karma knows what she is doing. I've been sneezing and coughing and spent a good chunk of the night holding my buddy. This morning I woke up with a little pinch around my shoulder blade. Now I'm in full Quasimodo hunch and heading for the heating pad right now. Well played karma.