sleep

My buddy still does not consistently sleep through the night.  A good night, he'll make it until 5am where I snuggle him in bed with us and he falls back asleep for another hour and a half.  Typical nights he wakes one to three times and just needs a friendly "Shush" with a little pat on the back and then he wakes at 5 am to join us in bed.

But then there are those nights where he wakes up and just needs to be held.  I have several different thoughts at all hours of the night.  One is typically - am I ever going to sleep again?  19 months is a long time to be deprived of sleep.

Another common thought is more of a worry - what is wrong?  Why is he waking up so much?  And then I mentally go through all the possible things that can be wrong and get myself all worked up.

The nights I like the best (besides the ones where I actually sleep) are the nights I just stare at his face in the dim light and marvel at my little boy.  I imagine what it must feel like to be him.  Something wakes you in the night and then, out of nowhere, this person comes to scoop you up, hold you close, and murmur sweet words until you are asleep again. I wish there was someone big enough to wrap their arms around me and hold me close.  I try and savor these moments because it won't be too long before he no longer fits in my arms.  And then that terrible day when he doesn't want me kissing him and hugging him.

It's so easy to get caught up in the hard times, but I try and tell myself that they won't be little forever.  He will sleep and then so will I.  Someday that stinky baby breath will just be bad breath and won't be nearly as sweet.  All that soft skin will be gone and he won't fit into that special spot on my shoulder nuzzled into my neck.  I want to always remember that peaceful look on his face when he knows he is safe in Mommy's arms.