one

My little rara is about to be 1.  This last year has been the fastest year I have lived so far.  It's funny, I struggled so much with the decision to have a third child and now I can't picture my family without her.  My husband wanted 4 kids, I wanted 2, so he decided that 3 would be a good compromise.  I was so against it ... until those little words entered - Down syndrome.  It made so much sense to add more support for monkey bear and an extra set of eyes to look out for my buddy as an adult.  Plus I love being a mom and really feel like it was my calling.  I knew I would love a baby and never say, "Well, I guess I shouldn't have had THAT one."

Then I had a miscarriage.  Then I had another.  First Down syndrome, then two miscarriages.  I felt like my body was broken.  I gave up on the idea of a third, sold or donated almost all the baby things (but saved a few meaningful ones) and moved on.  There was no mention of a baby for almost a year.  Then one day, it hit me that I really wanted another baby.  Not for my husband, not for my children, but for me.

I found out I was pregnant the day we returned from a vacation in Disney World.  We told no one for the longest time.  I spent the first 20 weeks on the lookout for signs of miscarriage and the last 20 weeks paranoid that we would be hit with a surprise diagnosis and the joy of this birth would be ripped from me like it was with my buddy.

It was a textbook pregnancy without a problem in sight.

My brother laughed out loud when he saw me this big.

The only problem was little rara did not want to come into this world... or rather she wanted to enter this world on exactly the right day.  When monkey bear was born, we knew her name regardless of the gender.  At that time we also came up with a perfect girl name - the name of the island where my father was born.  We saved it in our back pockets with hope that we would be able to use it some day. 

My doctor decided that they would induce one week after my due date if I didn't go into labor before then.  It just so happened that one week from my due date was the anniversary of the day my dad came to America.  How perfect.  Little rara did her part and stayed put.

I really was looking forward to giving birth one more time.  It is such an amazing moment where the life you created is suddenly in the world.  There is nothing else like it.

one of my all time favorite pictures

I worried so much about having a third and debated it nonstop with myself.  I wasn't sure if I could handle it and if it was the right choice for my family.  Ultimately, adding little rara to our family is the best decision I ever made.  She makes our family feel complete and we all love her in our own way.