taboo

I have thought long and hard about this post.  Even as I write it, I am not sure if I will actually publish it or not.  I have a completely selfish reason for writing - my sanity.  For those with a weak stomach concerning "female issues" feel free to stop reading now.

I'm not sure how to say this with class, so I'll just get it out there.  I recently had a miscarriage.  I wasn't experiencing my usual pregnancy symptoms so I had some concerns, but didn't really think it would turn out this way.

The hardest part for me is the taboo that surrounds it.  When an old friend asks if you are going to have more kids, you have two choices:  (1) smile and say we'd love to have another  (2)  tell her the truth and stop conversation completely.  I am not embarrassed to tell people, but I know it will just make them uncomfortable and there is nothing they can say that will help.

I have searched the internet looking for insight.  I can't exactly place how I feel.  I found a lot of websites with advice on how to memorialize your baby and mourn for the loss.  But that doesn't describe how I'm feeling.  I feel like an alien force has taken a hold of me and they are running an experiment.  Can she chop dinner while sobbing quietly so the kids don't notice then plaster on a smile?

I don't have problems conceiving, so I know I can have another, if I so choose.  I never saw a heartbeat and I said more than once that I didn't really feel pregnant.

But if it never felt real, why am I so depressed?

I blame those darn hormones.  My body barely had time to register the immense change in getting pregnant and now it has to compensate for the hormones leaving.  Not to mention that every time I see the blood, I can't help but think... is that a little part of my baby?  Morbid, I know.

My logical side knows that it happens for a reason - usually something chromosomal.  Then there's the emotional side... did the baby have Down syndrome and the universe didn't think I could handle another?  And of course, there's the fear of what will happen if I get pregnant again.

The only light in all of this is that I didn't tell the kids.  I don't think I could have handled explaining to monkey bear.  I feel confident that with a little bit of time and hormonal balance, I will be myself again.  I just have to make it there.