September 26, 2016


I unintentionally took a break from writing. I just couldn't find the time. I had nothing to say. I was chin deep in mothering and adulting. At the end of the day, all I had left was just enough energy to sit in my favorite corner of the couch watching shows I'd seen before. But then I had this dream.

This dream was weeks ago and it still haunts me. In my dream, the 'experts' had decided that my buddy would benefit from a three week intervention. They would take him for three weeks and fix all his behaviors they didn't like. Every fiber of my being thought this was a bad idea, but everyone kept telling me that I was being too overprotective and I needed to let him go. So I was packing his bag and just weeping. I kept thinking of all the ways they wouldn't love him the way I do and how scared he would be. Then I woke up. (or most likely a small human woke me up)

I can't stop thinking about all the experts in the past that told moms that their child with Down syndrome would never grow up to be anything and told them to put their children in institutions. I can't stop thinking about the millions of ways we have to trust what others tell us. Trust others to care for our children at school, playing a sport or as a babysitter. Trust that doctors know what they are doing. Trust that the medicine we chose is the right one. The list goes on and on but I'm already starting to sweat.

The urge to keep my kids by my side 24 hours a day is strong. I know that my job is to help them find their way into adulthood and extensively sheltering them will do more harm then good. I know that school has so many benefits for all of them. I choose my battles. There is only one problem - how do I know I made the right choice??

I spent a fair amount of time this summer trying to change how I respond to my buddy. I accept who he is and I've learned more about how he works, so in changing MY response I am hoping to increase the number of positive behaviors he shows. It's not easy to change.

All this trust and change. It's so hard. I try to listen to my gut, but sometimes it's very quiet. Every time I blink, time seems to jump and they get bigger and bigger. I hope that a good balance of hard work, laughter and hugs will do the trick.


  1. I feel the same way. We are going back and forth on whether to homeschool Lauren or not. She's not getting the education that we think she should be getting, in 3rd grade. It's such an agonizing decision - can I do it? Am I better than her teachers? Would she actually do the work? Ugh.

  2. I had no idea how hard parenting would be, and now we're getting into the harder decisions for Sam, especially as we get ready to move to a place where therapies and help are harder to get. I hope I don't make the wrong choices. Thank you for your very real words. Your blog is beautiful!