April 29, 2014

breaking point

While we were leaving the doctor's office recently, I saw a mom break down in tears. When we first arrived, I noticed a child trying to flee only wearing her undies and saw her mom beg her, "not today." I thought nothing of it. I've seen all sorts of doctor's room antics from my buddy. On our way out, I saw the same child, now fully clothed, in the hallway shouting and hitting the doctor. The mom then fell to her knees, sobbing. She had reached her breaking point. Part of me wanted to abandon my sick child and toddler, run to her and hug her telling her it would be alright.

The image stuck with me. How hard some days can be with children who demand more of you. How that breaking point is higher than you imagined, but it is still there. It takes so little to offset the delicate balance you've created to help your child navigate this confusing world. I wish I could help every mother and child out there. And some days, I merely wish I could help myself. I wish there was some way to approach a stranger in public who is struggling and make them see that I really do understand. That they are not alone. Some times all it takes is just knowing that you are not alone.

We had a wonderful visit from my brother, sister in law and niece. I wish we lived closer and I could see him more. Neither of us are great at talking on the phone but in person we always have fun. Plus I got my hands on his baby for the first time. Big sis was gaga over the baby and rara has asked about her multiple times since she left. Every time my buddy comes home from being out, he asks for Uncle - probably because Uncle pushes way higher in the swing than Mommy.

This weekend brought some down time. We discovered a raccoon lives in a tree in our backyard so we decided to go on an early morning drive to look for more animals- and it was an excuse for me to use my new camera and stalk some barns in my pajama pants. And, just like always, we enjoyed a personal concert by Daddy. The kids love when he plays his guitar.

April 16, 2014

little things

We have been enjoying our vacation week. I decided to embrace the time with the kids and try to have some good ol' fashioned fun this week. Monday was beautiful, so we headed to the park. This is the first time going to the park with 3 very mobile kids. The good news is big sis loves to help with rara.

Tuesday we stayed home and played with every toy in the house.  I also went through all the clothes, removing the too small winter ones and organizing the hand-me-downs getting ready for spring and summer. This insured that we woke to snow Wednesday morning. There was also a lot of dress up. Here's her Easter Bunny look.


After an initial failed attempt to go to the library, we finally made it there in the afternoon. We love going to the library and nothing reminds me more of how far my buddy has come. He used to knock down every kid and I had to watch him like a hawk. If someone else came, we usually had to leave before he started trouble. He would climb on top of the tables and dump all the puzzles out before playing  in the water fountain soaking himself. Now, I can actually browse through books while my buddy plays nicely at the train table. He helps pick out movies and books. It's nothing but fun.

I'm working on enjoying the small things. Focus on the fun. Force a smile on my face and soon enough, I feel a smile in my soul. I know how quickly time goes by. My little rara is getting close to 2 and it blows my mind. Some days are harder than others, but there is laughter every day and for that I am grateful.

April 13, 2014


My buddy is a not so proud owner of a CPAP machine. We are working hard on getting his sleep apnea under control so now my buddy has to sleep with a little mask over his nose hooked up to tubing that blows humidified air into his nose, forcing his wind pipe to stay open while he sleeps. There are many benefits to a good nights sleep - longer life, happier days and better health being at the top of the list. I must say that my buddy has shown noticeable improvements in his behavior. Don't get me wrong, he is still who he is - just a better version than he's been in a while. I no longer have to lock him in the dog cage... (no I did not really lock him in the cage - he put himself there)

And we haven't had an afternoon that ends like this...

My buddy does not understand that this torture device is what allows him to have the extra energy he's had the past few days. So when he sees me head to his room to get it ready for bed, ie. plug the machine in, he promptly poops from stress. And while my buddy has always woken several times in the night, he used to get himself back to sleep most times without any help from us. Now when he wakes, he freaks out because he's attached to a machine and we have to calm him down and lay with him until he finally falls back asleep. So far this has happened 3 -6 times until about 2am when we give up and take it off him. So while he may have lots of extra energy so he can play, we are a bit more tired than usual.

I like to delude myself into thinking that he will get used to wearing the CPAP mask and happily sleep through the night. I also like to delude myself into thinking that rara might night wean herself and not wake me up every 3 hours.


We moved into this house in the end of August and did no yard work at all. There are many beautiful gardens... all of which stress me out. But rara and I have made good use of the beautiful weather and started cleaning out the debris. As you can see, there are a LOT of dead plants to remove.


Today, Grandma and Papa came over to watch the kids so we could get out for a bit. After talking it over, we decided to take the girls with us. We know that sometimes their life is made more complicated by my buddy. He tends to make a lot of the rules. There have been so many times when we've had to leave before they were ready because my buddy was done. So we went for a nice bike ride, strolled through some shops and relaxed at an outdoor cafe enjoying a sweet treat. There was no chasing, shouting or stress. And my buddy LOVES Papa so he was thrilled to play in the backyard with him plus Papa took him in the tree house.