September 10, 2010

letting go

Monkey bear started preschool this week.  I'm not sure who was more traumatized... her or me.  She was so brave and put on the excited face.  But when it came time for us to leave her alone, she just lost it.  First there was the look of terror in her eyes followed closely by the quivering lip.  Then came the pleas of not to leave her with big crocodile tears.  The worst part was the heart wrenching screams as I ran out of the room as quickly as possible.

When we picked her up she said she had so much fun and wants to go back.  Monkey bear claims she won't cry again.  She talked about how she took big breaths to calm herself down and did a Caillou puzzle with tears still in her eyes.  Being a stay-at-home-mom without a consistent babysitter, she rarely gets left with anyone.  I know that she needs to spread her wings and rely on herself more.

I never imagined how hard it would be for me to let go.  I understand that the most important job of a parent is to bring out the best in your child and then set them free into the world.  Letting them discover their place in the world is as vital as making sure they eat their fruits and veggies.

We were on vacation recently.  Monkey bear was too scared to sleep in the bed by herself so she climbed into bed with me.  I must admit, I don't do much better sleeping in a foreign bed than she does.  While I was laying there, feeling like a child myself, I just stared at her amazed that I was her Mom.  How could this little child rely on me so much for her safety and comfort when I couldn't even comfort myself?  How on earth did I end up being in charge?  It was a surreal moment that quickly passed.

I love that my children can constantly amaze me.  I love that look in their eye when you can just see the love bursting out of them.  No matter how many long days there may be when I don't think I can make it for even a minute more, every second is worth it.  Monkey bear may have 5 hours each week away from me followed by years of school and eventually moving out on her own.  But I know that there will always be a part of her that loves me in that special way reserved for your mom.

1 comment:

  1. Elena...I have tears in my eyes. You just summed up exactly how I've been feeling. My "buggie" starts school this coming Wednesday, and after being home with him for almost 4 years, I have no idea how I'm going to be able to put on a brave face long enough to allow him to walk into school without being traumatized by my tears. Thank you for posting this, you are a terrific mom & I am so lucky to know you and have you back in my life, especially at this time.