September 1, 2010


I was prepared for motherhood in all the practical ways.  But there were a few things that caught me by surprise.  You can never imagine how your heart will grow with each child.  People always tell you that you will never be the same, but the words don't even come close to how it feels.

Along with all the love comes a boat full of worries.  I never knew how each fever and cough would tear me up inside.  For me, the anticipation of each illness is so much worse than the reality.  I have a feeling that monitors are the work of the devil.  I can't go for more than a few minutes not being able to hear them. 

There are the daily troubles.  Are they getting enough sleep?  Is their diet balanced enough?  Should I be doing more art projects or playing more board games?  Why are they crying?

I also worry about what the future will bring for both of them.  Will they have broken hearts?  Will they find their place in this world?  Will they find true friends?  Will they live long, healthy lives?  It's so hard to imagine these precious little ones as teenagers trying to navigate through peer pressure.  Will they be prepared and have enough confidence to make it through?

Then there are the worries specific to my buddy.  Will he be able to live independently?  Will the kids be mean to him?  Will kids be mean to monkey bear because of my buddy?   Will it hurt so much more when he is teased as a teenager?

I'm not sure if my heart will every stop feeling unsettled.  Is there ever an age when your kids are free from your concerns?  I know, even at my ripe old age, when my mom comes to visit, she tells me when it is time to go to bed. 

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