funk

I have reached that time after having a baby when the I-don't-know-who-I-am funk is creeping in.  It's a funny thing.  Rara is starting to get more independent.  She can sit up and play by herself for an extended period.  She can feed herself a hunk of rice cake.  Yet, she still needs me every few hours and no one else will do.  I love that I can offer her nature's perfect baby food, free of charge, fresh from the tap.  But I would like my body back at some point and I still have some time to go. 

I always say that I want to get away and have time for just me but whenever the opportunity presents itself, I find some reason or another not to leave the kids.  Really I just want an hour.  But what would I do with that hour?  I find such fulfillment in being a Mom.  It has answered many of the Who I am questions.  But every so often I hit the funk.

This funk came way before children ever did.  I never had that 'thing' that I was super good at and was known for.  I could not for the life of me choose a major in college.  I bopped between hobbies.  I played a sport here or there.  Nothing really stuck.

Rara is still brutal at night - waking up 4 times a night to eat.  She is so darn distracted during the day that all I can get her to do is nibble a little here and there.  At night she chows.  And I am so tired that the thought of night weaning her seems like so much work when I am in the most need of the easy way out.  I did work really hard on getting her to fall asleep on her own.  She (at the moment) is just eating and going right back to sleep. 

So I find myself unable to stay awake past dark, quite exhausted and in a rut.  I had a little fun recently crafting.  Monkey bear talked me into having a Valentine's Party for her friends she never gets to see anymore.  I pulled out the ol' glue gun after a trip to the craft store and I've enjoyed it.    

I tried to ask my husband what he thought I should do with myself, but that didn't go well.  I asked my best friend and she had a great idea, but it requires a lot more time than I am able to give.  Perhaps I need to visit a psychic.  Or maybe just a month of good sleep and the answer will appear.