anticipation

I was never one who enjoyed the anticipation of a big event. It leaves me feeling stressed. I much prefer the day after the big event when we just go back to living our lives. No pressure. No big expectations.

Life with my buddy has a lot more anticipation than I ever expected. There's all the 'when will he' questions. When will he walk, talk, potty train, etc? So many milestones that we measure our children against. It takes some kids longer to reach these milestones so the anticipation just builds as does the pressure.

There are countless little things to anticipate daily - you never know if it's going to be a good or a bad day. Will the school call today? Will my buddy do what he needs to or will we have to battle? How long can he play with his sisters before someone is in tears?

I've never once concerned myself with what the girls' long tern future looks like. I'm not worried about college or moving out or getting a job. For some reason with my buddy, I often find myself wondering what his future will be. Will he live with us? Will he be able to cook his own meals? What about a job or relationships? What if I should be doing something more for him now that might be able to really impact his long term future? There are moments where the anticipation feels like it is suffocating me.

Those are the times when I need to step back and watch him smile and know that no matter how it all turns out, I am doing the best I can... and that is all that can be expected of me.