A couple of weeks ago I had a doctor's appointment. She asked me if I had any help. Well, no, except for when my mom is in town. She asked if we had a babysitter. Again, no. I have people I can count on if I am in a pickle. I have people who have offered to help that I have never taken them up on it. And, yes, my marriage has survived the last 5 years without a date night.
I have lots of reasons why I don't want to drop my kids off somewhere. Monkey bear is a big help and fun to be around. I know that leaving her with anyone (other than Daddy and Nana) stresses her out. My buddy will gladly go where ever with whom ever. But that whom ever better watch out. Very few people understand my buddy and are equip to handle his various behaviors as well as his never ending energy. He has moments every day where he is very taxing and there are very few people I trust with him. And, for now, I am the food wagon for rara.
I feel so lucky that I get to be a stay at home mom. I was married for 10 years before we were financially sound enough for that to happen. I truly enjoy spending time with all of my children. Don't get me wrong - there are those days when you want to lock them in a closet and sit in front of the TV with a stiff drink and your feet up pretending you are single. Then you have that moment where you just snuggle them and your heart grows even more.
The years of intense child care are short. Already monkey bear will be off to full day kindergarten. She will spend more time away from me than with me. Maybe I sheltered her too much and should have sent her off to people's houses without me. Before I blink again, she will be a teenager and want nothing to do with me. I try my hardest to enjoy these years. Sure I call my best friend every day to complain but that is just what we do.
I have made it 5 years without help. The big kids are in bed by 7:00 and some day the baby will join them. Date night starts at 7:05... on the couch... dress code of pajamas. Who needs a babysitter?
August 8, 2012
July 26, 2012
milestones revisited
My buddy is growing like a weed. Every time I look at him it's like he grew a foot taller. His baby face is gone and he's all little boy now. He keeps growing out of everything - including his current cloth diaper. I've been looking into cloth diapers for bigger kids. I found one that has an extender tab so it can be used for larger kids as well. I thought this was a great option because then after he is potty trained, I could use the diaper without tabs for rara.
Then it hits you. He may not be potty trained before rara. He may not speak before rara. My buddy is 3 1/2 years older than rara and before I know it she will be accomplishing things that my buddy will still struggle with. I wonder what the first milestone is that she will hit before he does. Will rara feel guilty about doing things her older brother cannot?
It's been a long time since I've thought about milestones. My buddy has been learning a lot - letters, colors, letter sounds. He amazes me with what he knows and what he can "tell" me without having the words. I guess having your baby sister surpass you is just another chapter in life with Down syndrome.
Then it hits you. He may not be potty trained before rara. He may not speak before rara. My buddy is 3 1/2 years older than rara and before I know it she will be accomplishing things that my buddy will still struggle with. I wonder what the first milestone is that she will hit before he does. Will rara feel guilty about doing things her older brother cannot?
It's been a long time since I've thought about milestones. My buddy has been learning a lot - letters, colors, letter sounds. He amazes me with what he knows and what he can "tell" me without having the words. I guess having your baby sister surpass you is just another chapter in life with Down syndrome.
July 19, 2012
growing pains
Every time there is a new addition to your family there are sure to be some growing pains. Rara has added so much to this family and I can't wait to see who she will be. But for now, I am sucked into the black hole of caring for a newborn. I am still amazed at how long it can take to just feed, diaper, and make one little being happy.
Monkey bear continues to be a huge help. No one can get a bigger smile out of rara than her big sister. At the same time, monkey bear pleads with me to play with her. I feel so bad about the lack of attention she is getting. It can be so hard to leave the sink full of dishes and use that rare moment of no one needing me to sit down, play and just focus on her.
The bulk of the Mommy Guilt lies with my buddy. He loves rara with all of his huge heart but he is not baby safe. He cannot be near her without you being right there. I hate that I constantly have to push him away from the baby and he doesn't get to love on her the way he wants. My buddy has been asking me lately for more hugs than usual. I know he is feeling neglected as well.
Then there is rara. She never gets to be free on the floor to explore the world because my buddy is out and about. Rara is always locked in the kitchen or in my arms. She gets left to cry more than I would like and gets dumped on the floor when I need to address my buddy's dangerous behavior.
There are moments each day where I feel like everything is falling into place and I've got the hang of it, but there are way more moments where I feel like nothing is going right and I just want to go to bed. Luckily I have been here before and I know that it does get easier. One day the toilets will be clean and the sink won't be full of dishes and I won't be begging a baby just to go to sleep.
Monkey bear continues to be a huge help. No one can get a bigger smile out of rara than her big sister. At the same time, monkey bear pleads with me to play with her. I feel so bad about the lack of attention she is getting. It can be so hard to leave the sink full of dishes and use that rare moment of no one needing me to sit down, play and just focus on her.
The bulk of the Mommy Guilt lies with my buddy. He loves rara with all of his huge heart but he is not baby safe. He cannot be near her without you being right there. I hate that I constantly have to push him away from the baby and he doesn't get to love on her the way he wants. My buddy has been asking me lately for more hugs than usual. I know he is feeling neglected as well.
Then there is rara. She never gets to be free on the floor to explore the world because my buddy is out and about. Rara is always locked in the kitchen or in my arms. She gets left to cry more than I would like and gets dumped on the floor when I need to address my buddy's dangerous behavior.
There are moments each day where I feel like everything is falling into place and I've got the hang of it, but there are way more moments where I feel like nothing is going right and I just want to go to bed. Luckily I have been here before and I know that it does get easier. One day the toilets will be clean and the sink won't be full of dishes and I won't be begging a baby just to go to sleep.
July 8, 2012
the husband
I'm not sure I have ever mentioned my husband in this blog. Let's face it, my life revolves around the kids. But I wanted to take a minute to acknowledge what an amazing Dad they have. As rara entered our family, he has really stepped up and taken charge of my buddy and monkey bear - making sure they have fun and plenty of big kid time.
When I was 21 years old and my 20 year old boyfriend suggested we get married, all I thought about was how head over heals in love I was. Never for a minute did I consider what kind of a father he would be or what our lives would be like together. There were plenty of people who said we were crazy for getting married and I'm sure they thought it would never last.
We were married within a year of our first date and our crazy marriage began. Since we were so young and my husband is a wanderer at heart, we moved from place to place. We lived in Salem MA, West Hollywood CA, Malden MA, Exeter NH, Albany NY only to settle back in CT where we both grew up. Now, 15 years later, he has an advanced degree and a grown up job and takes care of us all.
I first met him in High School as a punky 15 year old. He had a mohawk, wore band T-shirts and combat boots. I wore my brother's Polo shirts with my Gap shorts and Tretorns . We still are opposites in many ways, but with all our years together and shared history those differences just bring us closer together.
Never would I have imagined that so many years later, he is a fantastic, loving Dad. When the kids hear the key in the lock, their eyes light up and they go running for the door just to get a hug. He tells all of us how much he loves us every day. Even though we are both exhausted and a bit grumpy, I know I can count on him to step it up and be there for his family.
When I was 21 years old and my 20 year old boyfriend suggested we get married, all I thought about was how head over heals in love I was. Never for a minute did I consider what kind of a father he would be or what our lives would be like together. There were plenty of people who said we were crazy for getting married and I'm sure they thought it would never last.
We were married within a year of our first date and our crazy marriage began. Since we were so young and my husband is a wanderer at heart, we moved from place to place. We lived in Salem MA, West Hollywood CA, Malden MA, Exeter NH, Albany NY only to settle back in CT where we both grew up. Now, 15 years later, he has an advanced degree and a grown up job and takes care of us all.
I first met him in High School as a punky 15 year old. He had a mohawk, wore band T-shirts and combat boots. I wore my brother's Polo shirts with my Gap shorts and Tretorns . We still are opposites in many ways, but with all our years together and shared history those differences just bring us closer together.
Never would I have imagined that so many years later, he is a fantastic, loving Dad. When the kids hear the key in the lock, their eyes light up and they go running for the door just to get a hug. He tells all of us how much he loves us every day. Even though we are both exhausted and a bit grumpy, I know I can count on him to step it up and be there for his family.
June 26, 2012
baby
And baby makes five. We are thrilled to have our family complete and this baby girl has done that and more. In honor of tradition, since monkey bear named my buddy, I will let my buddy name the baby. He currently calls her "Rara," so rara it is.
I have been known to say that I don't enjoy the newborn phase, but I am really enjoying it this time. Rara is so sweet and there is nothing like a good cuddle with such a little one. I think with the first baby you are so terrified and things are so scarey. Every little thing seems like such a big deal. And then with my buddy, there were all the doctors visits and Birth to 3 and the worries that go along with that. I hardly had a chance to fully appreciate his babyness.
It was a bit surreal being in the same hospital where my buddy was born, walking by the special care nursery, being flooded with all the memories. I was so worried that something would go "wrong" and things wouldn't end the way I wanted. I pretty much grabbed the baby and ran as soon as they would let me.
Every day my heart melts when I see monkey bear loving rara. Monkey bear wants to hold her all day long and always checks on her to see how she is. Monkey bear told me the other day that she just can't believe how much she loves her sister. The rare times that rara is on the ground, monkey bear is right there holding her hand, talking to her, gently rubbing her head. It is so sweet.
My buddy loves rara as well, but is having a harder time adjusting. He does like to kiss her her and hold her hand, but he requires a lot of supervision. Rara can't be put down or left alone in a room that my buddy is in. Even when you are watching, my buddy has been known to throw a thing or two at the baby. In all honesty, my buddy has been throwing EVERYTHING. I feel bad because he isn't getting the attention he is used to and doesn't know how to express how this makes him feel. Ultimately I think this will be good for him. I tend to cater to my buddy too much. I hope that in expecting him to be more self sufficient he will step up to the plate.
All in all, things are going well and we are all managing the best we can. I am trying hard to write things down and take lots of pictures so I can remember the sweetness of a new baby.
I have been known to say that I don't enjoy the newborn phase, but I am really enjoying it this time. Rara is so sweet and there is nothing like a good cuddle with such a little one. I think with the first baby you are so terrified and things are so scarey. Every little thing seems like such a big deal. And then with my buddy, there were all the doctors visits and Birth to 3 and the worries that go along with that. I hardly had a chance to fully appreciate his babyness.
It was a bit surreal being in the same hospital where my buddy was born, walking by the special care nursery, being flooded with all the memories. I was so worried that something would go "wrong" and things wouldn't end the way I wanted. I pretty much grabbed the baby and ran as soon as they would let me.
Every day my heart melts when I see monkey bear loving rara. Monkey bear wants to hold her all day long and always checks on her to see how she is. Monkey bear told me the other day that she just can't believe how much she loves her sister. The rare times that rara is on the ground, monkey bear is right there holding her hand, talking to her, gently rubbing her head. It is so sweet.
My buddy loves rara as well, but is having a harder time adjusting. He does like to kiss her her and hold her hand, but he requires a lot of supervision. Rara can't be put down or left alone in a room that my buddy is in. Even when you are watching, my buddy has been known to throw a thing or two at the baby. In all honesty, my buddy has been throwing EVERYTHING. I feel bad because he isn't getting the attention he is used to and doesn't know how to express how this makes him feel. Ultimately I think this will be good for him. I tend to cater to my buddy too much. I hope that in expecting him to be more self sufficient he will step up to the plate.
All in all, things are going well and we are all managing the best we can. I am trying hard to write things down and take lots of pictures so I can remember the sweetness of a new baby.
May 17, 2012
talking
It's funny how on most days I don't even notice that my buddy can't talk. I understand almost all of what he is trying to tell me. Even monkey bear knows what he wants. "Ssshhhh" with a wiggle of the hand means, "May I have some goldfish please?" "AHHHHHHH!" means, "stop what you are doing right now I don't like it."
Then there are those times when he is crying and we have no idea what is wrong or if something hurts and you really notice his lack of communication. Or maybe we are having a play date and his friend has no idea what my buddy is trying to tell him. Some mornings we head to the mall for mall walking as a family. When my buddy goes off with Daddy, I can hear his grunting coming down the hallway. He sounds so much younger than his 3 1/2 years.
So, we upped the ante and my buddy is now in private speech therapy (along with what he gets in school). It's always a rude awakening to read the report and get our homework assignment of helping my buddy make "ooohhh" and "eeeee" sounds. We aren't even up to words. There is always that part of me that wonders if we did enough.
I don't know how to teach someone how to talk. I know all about talking to your children about the world around them and reading lots of books. I know how to listen to your children (even if it's baby garble) and talk back and forth to show how conversations work. I've done all this... plus lots and lots more... yet we are still working on "oooooo". I have confidence that he will get it in his own time, but I can't help but wonder how old he will be. I feel like I am missing out on what is going on in his head.
Then there are those times when he is crying and we have no idea what is wrong or if something hurts and you really notice his lack of communication. Or maybe we are having a play date and his friend has no idea what my buddy is trying to tell him. Some mornings we head to the mall for mall walking as a family. When my buddy goes off with Daddy, I can hear his grunting coming down the hallway. He sounds so much younger than his 3 1/2 years.
So, we upped the ante and my buddy is now in private speech therapy (along with what he gets in school). It's always a rude awakening to read the report and get our homework assignment of helping my buddy make "ooohhh" and "eeeee" sounds. We aren't even up to words. There is always that part of me that wonders if we did enough.
I don't know how to teach someone how to talk. I know all about talking to your children about the world around them and reading lots of books. I know how to listen to your children (even if it's baby garble) and talk back and forth to show how conversations work. I've done all this... plus lots and lots more... yet we are still working on "oooooo". I have confidence that he will get it in his own time, but I can't help but wonder how old he will be. I feel like I am missing out on what is going on in his head.
April 23, 2012
number three
I am getting more and more excited for the birth of my third little one. There were so many factors that went into deciding if we should have one more. But when it comes right down to it, I love being a mom and who can resist just one more to love.
When we first took the leap into parenthood, I had it in my mind that I wanted two children close in age. Mission accomplished... but of course it wasn't quite what I had planned. When the words Down syndrome entered our life all of a sudden things change. My buddy may live on his own, but I don't trust anyone other than family to check up on him. There are too many people in this world that could take advantage of his open heart.
My buddy will never give me grandchildren. While it's a little premature to be thinking that far ahead, it makes a difference to me. I don't want to put too much pressure on monkey bear to be the sole provider of grandchildren while looking out for my buddy. Although we are not having a child just to offer support to monkey bear, it's all part of the equation.
After my buddy was born and we looked at him and saw the unexpected in those almond eyes, there was such grief and heartache. I am looking forward to a uncomplicated post birth (knock on wood) and the opportunity to just relish in the new life without shedding one sad tear.
Nothing broke my heart more than having to leave the hospital without my buddy. I needed to have him in my arms, nursing and needing me. My heart couldn't heal until he was with me. Instead of bonding, I was left hooked up to a machine like a milk cow making endless trips back and forth to the hospital to deliver the precious nutrition. There was not enough time for either child.
My hopes for my third (and last) birth are happy smiles, no awkward conversations filled with all the wrong words and my baby in my arms the day I leave.
When we first took the leap into parenthood, I had it in my mind that I wanted two children close in age. Mission accomplished... but of course it wasn't quite what I had planned. When the words Down syndrome entered our life all of a sudden things change. My buddy may live on his own, but I don't trust anyone other than family to check up on him. There are too many people in this world that could take advantage of his open heart.
My buddy will never give me grandchildren. While it's a little premature to be thinking that far ahead, it makes a difference to me. I don't want to put too much pressure on monkey bear to be the sole provider of grandchildren while looking out for my buddy. Although we are not having a child just to offer support to monkey bear, it's all part of the equation.
After my buddy was born and we looked at him and saw the unexpected in those almond eyes, there was such grief and heartache. I am looking forward to a uncomplicated post birth (knock on wood) and the opportunity to just relish in the new life without shedding one sad tear.
Nothing broke my heart more than having to leave the hospital without my buddy. I needed to have him in my arms, nursing and needing me. My heart couldn't heal until he was with me. Instead of bonding, I was left hooked up to a machine like a milk cow making endless trips back and forth to the hospital to deliver the precious nutrition. There was not enough time for either child.
My hopes for my third (and last) birth are happy smiles, no awkward conversations filled with all the wrong words and my baby in my arms the day I leave.
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