win/lose

I don't talk a lot about relationships.  I think each one is unique and what might work for some won't work for another.  There is one universal truth in cohabitation, however.  When one person wants one thing and the other person does not.  Someone wins and someone loses.  Rarely will I say, "No absolutely not."  But I still hope the other person will let me win every time.

This time I lost.  The husband has wanted a dog for as long as we've been married.  I've been enjoying a pet free home for the last couple of years after our cats died.  I'm finally in a place where life is not insane and feels like something I can handle.  So now I have a host of dog related things to suck up some of my much needed 'me time'.  I do take solace in the fact that the dog likes me better than him.  She knows who is Alpha around here!  OK and she's kinda cute too.

I've also been thinking a lot about happiness and how this moment, right here, is life.  Am I making the most of this moment?  Every moment can't be perfect - after all there are laundry and dishes to be done.  But in those free moments... am I choosing to do things that don't really matter to me?  Am I letting my time get sucked away?

So I will put down the iPhone (after I snap a quick picture so I can remember the moment) and we'll play a game of chase.  We'll read that book.  We'll flip upside down and tickle.  I'll carry you around until my back aches.  I'll clap and cheer at the things that excite you just to see your face light up.  I'll let you pick as many leaves as you want and try, so hard, not to hurry you along.

We will go do special things even though it can be so exhausting.  Because those memories are precious.

And then I will read my book.  I'll take a walk - not to lose 5 pounds or stop some jiggle - but to enjoy this world I live in.  Breathe in fresh air.  Appreciate the beauty that can be found everywhere.  Notice the little things.

Then I reserve the right to rot my brain in front of the TV.  Because sometimes it's just what you need.

five

My buddy is five.  I think he got the memo because he suddenly seems like such a big kid.  He is able to handle situations better and has this control I never thought he would.  We were at a fair and my buddy was totally into the model trains zooming around a track.  He stood there perfectly still with his hands behind his back just watching and not touching.  Amazing! 

Along with every birthday, comes the memory of the birth.  I wonder how long it will sting.  That disappointment and heartbreaking sadness when we first heard the words Down syndrome.  I read a blog where the author said she wished the doctor who 'discovered' Ds wasn't Dr. Down.  She imagined if his name was Dr. Awesome - your child has Awesome syndrome.  How cool would that be?

My personal mission is to take the sting out of the words Down syndrome.  I don't want anyone in hushed tones saying, "Oh, he has Down syndrome."  I throw the word around everywhere I can.  Big sis uses it all the time in her pretend play.  The kids in my buddy's class know about Down syndrome from the book I sent into school. I love when kids ask me questions.  I give them a straight forward answer.  The more people that my buddy interacts with, the more people won't be freaked out by Down syndrome.

My mother was a Special Ed teacher and worked with kids who had severe cerebral palsy.  I would go into work with her sometimes and see kids who couldn't walk or talk or feed themselves.  My mom would set me up on a bean bag chair and have me read to them.  It's funny.  I have so very few memories of my childhood, but I can picture it perfectly.  I also loved playing on all the physical therapy things they had.  Anyway, my point is, I was less scared of those kids after I got to know them.

Along with every birthday comes another complete blood count, thyroid test, celiac test, etc.  I wait, wondering, worrying, until the results come back.  We have been so very fortunate with my buddy's health.  I NEVER take that for granted.  More than any cognitive delay or speech delay or hard to manage behavior is the fear that he will fall victim to one of the countless health concerns that come along with the extra chromosome.

My buddy has perfected smiling for the camera - even if he moves the instant after he flashes that grin.  He has become gentle with rara (at times) - letting her crawl on top of him and wrestle him without knocking her down.  Whenever he sees big sis in the hallway at school, he runs over to her giving her a full body hug.  He truly lives in the moment, lighting up when something pleases him.  Even without too many words, his personality is huge.  In the swimming pool of life, my buddy jumps off the high dive.

sleep

I never set out to be one type of parent.  Things I knew about parenting back when I was a nanny are no longer so concrete.  I am different with rara than I was with big sis.  I believe there is no one way to do things, but whatever way works best for your family at this moment in time.

Rara is not a great sleeper.  Her naps are usually too short, she is unable to get herself back to sleep and she really likes to be held and moving to fall asleep.  But rara is my baby.  The last.  So a lot of naps end up looking like this:

sweaters and a sleeping baby... win win

Bis sis had a strict schedule and I sleep trained her.  She is now an excellent sleeper.  My buddy wasn't such a good sleep trainer so I spent a couple of years doing random butt pats at different times in the night.  He is now an excellent sleeper.  They both slept through the night at a young age and gave up breastfeeding around 11 months.

Rara gave up daytime breastfeeding around the same time, but has yet to sleep through the night.  She still nurses a minimum of 4 times a night.  I know many people who think it's time to give it up.  I never intended for the night time milk bar to stay open so long.  But for so many reasons I am not ready to stop. 

I breastfeed her at night because I can climb into her bed and do it laying down while half asleep.  If I don't feed her she will wake 20 minutes later.  I can't seem to summon the energy to let her cry at night.  It's too painful to listen to plus she will wake up the big kids and then everyone will be crabby.

I wish someone could tell me two things. 1) If I continue to feed her all night long, will she just grow out of it one day and sleep all on her own?  2) How long will she cry for and for how many days before she happily sleeps through the night?  Then I could really weigh the pros and cons and make a choice. 

She is such a happy, well adjusted kid during the day.  Rara is easygoing and fun to be around.  Why rock the boat when the boat is happy and cute?  As I see it, the only one losing around here is me and all I am losing is a little (OK a lot) sleep.  I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer, but I know things were so crazy for the past 3 months.  I am happy just to let things be.

independence

My tendency to over-mother (4 words in and I'm making them up already) combined with my husband's nervous helicopter ways has created a lack of independence around here.  I am working hard on getting big sis to take care of herself more.  I've been really pushing her.  It's funny because she will spend hours taking care of her 'babies' yet she will get out of the shower and stand there dripping wet waiting for me to dry her off.

At times we may be a little hard on her, but I believe big sis can rise to the challenge.  We still respect her limits - she is not into physical activities and tends to tire easily.  Most of our walks end up something like this.

good thing I keep the sling in the stroller in case of emergencies

I set up a cabinet she can reach with snacks that she likes.  I'm encouraging her to help with cooking and cleaning.  She spends a lot of time looking out for the littler kids.

brushing her own teeth

helping to bake a cake

She has always been good at picking out her own clothes and entertaining herself.  She has this amazing creative mind and a bucket full of empathy.  I wouldn't buy her a new doll, so she made one herself. 

it's the little mermaid

I'm still working on other ways to up the independence.  She has a lot of fears.  She won't go in the backyard by herself.  She's still afraid to be in one part of the new house alone if we are all in a different part.  I don't want to change who big sis is - she is amazing.  I just want to help her take it to the next level.


On a lighter note:

confession

I must confess:  I love having the big kids in school all day.  It feels so good knowing they are learning both book knowledge as well as life lessons.  They are being taken care of and learning how to take care of themselves.  And I feel free.

So free that I've been pulling out some Fosse moves around my kitchen while listening to Broadway Showstoppers.

I've made time for me... well not really just me since I do still have rara with me and I have to work around her schedule.  We take walks every morning.  We stretch and enjoy some daytime TV.  Perhaps we run an errand.  Perhaps we stay home and clean.  Everything is getting done and I don't feel overwhelmed.

There is time to read.  There is time to clean.  There is time to watch TV.  There is time to grocery shop.  I feel content.  I haven't even freaked out too much with all the traveling the husband is doing.  Dare I say it... life is really good.

I had a PPT this week and they added extra services!  All on their own.  It was a fun, jolly meeting.

Some joy from this week:

changing her babies diapers

they play under this tree every day after school

how wrestling ends in snuggles with the girls

showing me where she just threw her other slipper

I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  But I am really enjoying this lull in excitement.

swing

We now have an amazing swing set in our back yard.  Today I was folding laundry while rara napped and watching my buddy and big sis playing together.  I had the windows open and could hear everything they were saying.  At one point, big sis was halfway up the climbing wall when my buddy threw himself down on the ground.  She went through a series of questions trying to figure out what the problem was.  Each question made him more upset.  Finally big sis says, "Do you need a hug?"  My buddy responded with an, "Uh huh."  So big sis climbs down, they hug for a minute and then they both climb the wall together.

I wanted to bottle up that little moment and save it forever. 

Here is my outside girl.

My buddy and rara are developing this little relationship.  Because he spent so much time pushing her down and generally making her cry, I thought they might not get along so well.  Don't get me wrong, she will scream bloody murder if she thinks he is about to upset her in any way.  But they really do love each other.  They take care of each other and love to share snacks back and forth.  They kiss each other good night every single night.  They look forward to being reunited after a long day of school.  Sibling relationships are beautiful to witness.

Since we now live in a small town, we thought we'd soak in some local flavor and headed down to Sam Collins Day.  Basically a field with some vendors, bouncy houses and food.  I think we both had visions of wandering around enjoying the sights.  We trick ourselves every single time we head out with all the kids.  First we walked by the fire station - that was a huge hit!

Then we paid $4 to jump in a bouncy house.  What the teenage kid failed to mention is you only get 2 minutes.  When my buddy is having fun, we generally don't disturb him.  It never ends well.  So 3 minutes into our day out, we had tears and a meltdown.  My husband stepped up and followed my buddy around and dealt with a series of meltdowns along with fun times checking out the police cruisers.

We got talking after how Disney is changing their policy on passes for those with special needs.  If all goes as they are planning now, we will never be able to go back to Disney until my buddy is much older.  He can't even handle an hour at a small town shin dig.  There is no way he could handle all the waiting involved at Disney.  It breaks my Mickey lovin' heart.

I am enjoying my days spent with this little personality.  She keeps me on my toes.

She thinks she is so funny when she steals my water bottle and drinks it.

new routines

The thought of decorating a house gives me hives.  The thought of leaving all the wallpaper gives me hives as well.  I thought I would dive in and see what I could do in an area we use the most - the kitchen table.  The rest can wait until November when reinforcements are coming.

Before:  (from the realtor listing)

totally blurry and with their furniture, but you get the point

After:

I did it all myself - including installing a light fixture.

I feel like I can relax now and start inviting some friends over to see the place.  The wall paper was only on the bottom half of the walls and came off super easy.  Plus I had help.

First child I was all, "let's read."  Third child is cheap labor.

I am thrilled to say that my buddy is on his way back to me.  He spends the morning in with kindergarten, eats lunch in the cafe and then afternoons with the preschoolers.  He isn't 5 yet, so he fits well into both classes.  He loves preschool and seems to be thriving there.  I did not have to drag a crying boy out to my car at all this week.  On Fridays he has a half day (no pm preschool).  My buddy actually put down the iPad to help me make muffins Friday afternoon.

My buddy is thrilled with the freedom of getting himself things from the kitchen.  We were on the back deck enjoying the muffins we made.  He let himself inside, got his milk and rara's milk and another muffin and came back out.  Just the fact that he didn't make a bit of mischief and thought to get something for someone else is huge.

That smile I love is back.

He is zooming super fast until he gets right to my feet and then throws the brakes on.

Big sis is in a stage of adjustment at the moment.  She still misses the old house and gets scared in the new house.  Her teacher is on a medical leave for a few weeks and while she likes the sub, she knows it's temporary and change isn't her strongest suit.  She has stepped up and now takes the bus home from school.  It makes us nervous trusting a stranger to drive our most precious cargo, but it had to be done at some point.  Rara and my buddy love waiting for the bus and get so excited when it comes down the street.

He totally photo bombed my picture of rara, but I love this picture even more.

I love spending my days with rara.  She follows me around everywhere.  We take a morning walk together.  It feels so good to be moving again and rara loves the horses and donkeys we walk by.  I've trained rara to hand me my towel when I get out of the shower - if she's going to be all up in my business, at least she can be helpful.  I couldn't ask for a cuter side kick.

We are all figuring out the new routines and so far it's a good fit.