the other day

The other day I shouted and every little thing made me mad. The other day I made excuses for why I was being so mean. The other day I went to bed hating how I behaved. I worried all night that you would remember the worst part of me and forget the best part of me.

Today I want to talk to you about being human and feeling all these feelings. How some days it's hard not to act like a jerk. How you can see yourself acting like a jerk and not be able to stop. I want to talk about emotions and how difficult they can be to control.

But I don't have the answers. In fact, I may change my mind tomorrow. Being a human is complicated. Trying to figure out how to be your best while raising little humans to be their best is extra challenging. 

Today I will work on my nice skills. Talking to you the way I wish you would talk to me. Listening a little closer. Finding things to make me smile. Doing my best to erase the other day. Because part of being human is to forgive. While I'm sure you've already forgiven me, I still need to forgive myself.

None of us are perfect and some days we're not even on the same page. But we are in this crazy life together.

hello again

I unintentionally stopped writing this summer. It was a bit of a challenging summer with an insane amount of fighting between all the kids. I home schooled my buddy almost every day. We made attempt number two at potty training and are back in pull-ups - so that's how that went. There was a week of summer camp and then summer school. Every day seemed so long, but it all went by relatively quickly.

Here are a few of the highlights of summer and hopefully I will be back to writing soon.


tushies in bathing suits




sun dresses (and the Special Olympics medal she wears all the time)



rock throwing



inflatable pool in the backyard



mismatched outfits and favorite dolls



adventures with the whole family




convincing the hubby to take some pictures together (even if I don't love any of them)

no glasses!!!!! (the highlight of the summer for sure)



rare photo of her smiling (and not scowling at me)

summer not-so-fun

Sometimes I feel like having a kid with special needs robs you of super summer fun. If I had my choice, we'd be lounging in our PJ's until we felt like getting dressed. Pulling every toy we own into the middle of the living room. Spending the morning at a park or finding some water to splash in. Planning a big weekly adventure like the beach or the zoo. Hanging about and exploring new outdoor places. Finding the perfect spot to throw rocks into the water and visiting often.




Instead I find myself driving back and forth to camp - to work on social skills and following directions. Teaching my buddy home school to keep him in the groove. Making him practice writing and reading. Using the same pecs cards they use in school and reinforcing the 'first then' board. Getting moving four days a week so he can be to summer school on time.



All these things that I have to do just so my buddy won't regress and have such a hard time transitioning back to school in August. And yet it never seems like enough. There are too many things that he needs to improve. So many more ways I could push him. There is a fine line of encouraging him to be his very best... and just letting him be. I'm more of a let it be girl.



So I will take those 4 half days and 3 full days and cram as much summer fun in as possible. Stay in our jammies on some days and have grand adventures on others. Rest assured there will be plenty of bubbles to pop in your sister's face, chalk to cover the ground and searches for the perfect place to play in the water.




More good news... she finally conquered her fear of the sprinkler. As long as this is as high as it goes.

three

My little rara has turned three. She's taken the leap from toddlerhood into a preschooler. I didn't know what our family was missing until she joined us. Rara is half sweet and half feisty. She NEVER backs down and stands up for herself with ease and confidence. My buddy has been known to lose his mind now and again. Most people back off when that happens. Not rara. She gets right in his face and screams at him, "No! Bad! Boy!"

Rara has a thing for arms. She holds on and rubs your arms like she is a kitten. She loves to nestle her hand in your elbow pit. (Is that even a body part or did I just make that up?) She loves to be close but lacks the ability to sit still. Most of the time it makes me a little bonkers, but I know some day I will miss how she would beg to sit in your lap then just wriggle and squirm until you can't stand it another second.




More than anything, rara loves all dogs. Really anything that has to do with dogs. Or the color red. We must pet every dog we come across. She carries her black stuffed dog all over the place. She gets so excited when anything at all has a dog on it - greeting cards, shirts, even a bag of dog food.





I didn't know that a three year old could have such a strong opinion about things. I also forgot that you could have the most entertaining conversations with a three year old. Rara really is fun to be around. I love the quiet days we have together and how she will chat on and on about anything.




If I had to choose a career based on rara now, I'd go with either veterinarian or daredevil. I hope her spunk never disappears and that it's always covered in a sprinkle of sweetness.

feeling off

Lately big sis has been feeling off. Reacting to little things in a big way. Lots of tears. We've all had a cold, but even though she is feeling better, this mood seems to have clung to her tightly. Big sis feels things deeply. I don't think she cares for change. It takes her so long to feel comfortable and the end of the school year means she will be leaving the classroom that has been her home away from home. Big sis loves her teacher and her confidence has bloomed. She's not able to articulate all these deep emotions, so it comes out in all the little things.




Today I let her have a mental health day. We went to the park, ran an errand and played in the backyard. We colored and played babies. We snuggled on the couch. I know that I cannot change how she is wired but I really hope that I can show her how to take care of herself when she is starting to feel down.





Meanwhile, my buddy has been blowing me out of the water. I always knew he would read. I never expected him to know all of the kindergarten sight words while he was in kindergarten. I always knew he would do math. I never expected him to meet the kindergarten goal of counting to 100 while in kindergarten. I say all the time that my buddy can do anything he wants to... he just usually doesn't want to.





Then there's this little rara. She is just a couple of handful of days away from turning 3. She has mastered potty training. She is hysterical. She is trouble. She doesn't believe in napping but often wakes before the crack of dawn and just can't keep herself awake all day.




Rara loves dogs more than just about anything. Even when they steal the trampoline.




If the dog would stay still, rara would spend all day here. It's her favorite warm cozy place to be.




She refuses to let me pull her hair out of her face. I feel like the world must look like this to her:


On a side note: The adults have gotten the killer cold from the kids. Michael is on the upswing but just the other day while he was travelling, he sneezed while tying his shoe and threw his back out. I *may* have called him old and laughed a bit at his expense. But have no fear. Karma knows what she is doing. I've been sneezing and coughing and spent a good chunk of the night holding my buddy. This morning I woke up with a little pinch around my shoulder blade. Now I'm in full Quasimodo hunch and heading for the heating pad right now. Well played karma.

NYC

I had a milestone birthday this year that was just a couple of weeks before Mother's Day. I wanted to see a Broadway show and I thought it would be fun to bring big sis. The plan changed as we went along - big sis isn't into shows or movies - and we decided on a weekend in New York City. We scoured the internet and made a list of places we wanted to see and off we went to navigate the big city.




I'm a fan of the woods and quietness but big sis loves the hub bub of a city. This was my first time being the one in charge - usually I just blindly follow whoever I am with. It was exciting and big sis turned out to be a perfect travel companion for me. I remember the trips I took with just my mom fondly, so I am excited to pass this tradition down to my girls.



I used to think that traveling with kids was next to impossible. Turns out it's just SOME kids. At the ripe old age of almost 8, big sis is mature enough to handle travel and mixing up the schedule. It was such a luxury to only make loose plans and just do what we wanted when we wanted. Plus I'm just a kid at heart so the park and carousel were right up my alley.





Big sis often gets overlooked because of the more immediate needs of her brother and sister. I know she craves more of my time and sometimes I fear we expect too much of her. Childhood is a time to embrace and I don't want to rush her out of it too soon.

I remember when I was first married and staying in Hotel 8 was a luxury. Now with my husband travelling so much, he knows a nice hotel when he sees one. The view from our window was breathtaking. We were just above Ground Zero so it was the perfect opportunity to talk to big sis about that important day and we had a chance to visit the memorial.







We spent all weekend walking hand in hand. I didn't even take that many pictures. She was such a trooper although I did spend some time giving her piggy back rides. The weekend flew by yet it felt like we had been gone forever. I feel so lucky. My husband works hard so I get to stay home with the kids and take a weekend adventure with my big girl. I know that for years she will be saying, "remember when we were in New York..."

you are loved

I had forgotten how fun it could be to see little minds emerge. I'm so used to my buddy's ability to only communicate his immediate wants and needs. I know he has funny little tidbits to say but just doesn't have the words.

Rara, on the other hand, will talk your ear off. She comes up with the funniest things and has ideas that are all her own. The other day she was naming all the people who love her.

"Daddy loves me. Mommy loves me. Big sis loves me. My buddy doesn't love me. He just yells at me."

Oh the heartbreak.

So we had a conversation about Down syndrome, not being able to talk, getting upset and having no words, boys and their rough ways and how wrestling can be a display of affection. I assured her that my buddy does indeed love her. It was quick and aimed at her level.

Today she listed the people who love her again. This time saying, "My buddy loves me. He just gets frustrated."

I can understand how you would think that someone who is constantly dumping water on your head and doing all sorts of unpredictable things to you might not love you that much. I know that as she grows, she will understand him better and know that when he tackles you, licks the side of your face and laughs hysterically that you are deeply loved.